It has been a while since I posted, again. Well, I have….. Oh, well, this is almost becoming a cliché, so let me just get to the point. I have been thinking about attachments and intimacy between people. The reason for this is something that happened yesterday, while talking to a friend (yes, I do get many writing inspirations from talking to my friends).
Now, just to give an additional perspective, this is a person I like, and find attractive. We were chatting online, and he shared a video with me, to support a point he had made. A couple of quotes from the video particularly resonated with my own ideas, and I mentioned it to him. He said, “I knew you’d like it.” It might sound silly, but I was thrown off guard by this comment. I asked him why, and he said I was predictable, which did little to ease my discomposure. Within moments, I found myself panicking, because someone else could predict me. I felt so out of control, so vulnerable, despite it being someone I was interested in (or perhaps it was because I was interested in him). It was terrifying. I mentally shut down and ended the conversation coldly, after a few more exchanges, despite him telling me that it is okay to feel vulnerable and that everyone is.
This has caused some self-reflection. Often, I think it is a good thing that I don’t form deep attachments with people, because it makes change and moving places that much hard. Make friends, be sincere and loyal, enjoy, but don’t let relationships get in the way of your independence. That seemed a good idea. To be honest, it still does seem a rather neat approach. No emotional mess, no drama and certainly no hurt. But after thinking about yesterday’s conversation, it makes me wonder if it really is a big deal as it feels. What if I do let someone close? Perhaps the risk of losing my independence and getting hurt is worth it? I am not sure. Perhaps it is all balderdash. Why would someone knowingly invite trouble?
Gee, I sure sound confused. However, I can’t really see the point in opening oneself up to emotional uncertainty and possible hurts and let-downs. But who knows, I could be completely wrong, for many a hopeless romantic has insisted that it leads to things marvellous and wonderful!
(For the record, I am still uncomfortable with my friend being able to predict me!)